I have done something entirely out of character, something I never even believed I would be capable of.
I have cheated on my boyfriend of 14 months. It happened twice, once back in December and a few months before that. Both times I was drunk and lonely, but believe me when I say I am not trying to make excuses.
In truth, I feel the worst I have since my friend was murdered. I haven’t eaten or slept and I have cried pretty much non stop which has given me the worst damn headache to deal with. I’m taking it all. I deserve it. There isn’t any suitable punishment for what I’ve done, especially when I have such a moral compass as that there is only black and white and no shades of gray.
The worst part is that I have been talking to other guys in my loneliness and this is how I was caught out. He suspected me, and had to make a fake profile to catch me out in my dishonesty. He asked me a while back if I would want an open relationship and I said no, because I didn’t and I still don’t. I absolutely love him, and I have never been so disgusted with myself.
My friends are equally disappointed and surprised as they had no idea. I didn’t want to tell them. I didn’t want to tell anyone, this was one of those things I would have absolutely no idea how to tell someone for fear of their reaction and the way they would look at me.
My boyfriend dumped me on the spot, but I have begged him to think about it after half an hour on the phone of me crying and apologising. This is the most despicable thing I have ever done or will do. He asked me why he should give me a second chance and I said I didn’t have a solid answer for him as I do not know what to say. I do love him, he is my first serious relationship and the first person who has ever made me consider spending the rest of my life with someone and living together and all that stuff. My room is covered in things he has bought me or made me and pictures of us together and our shared interests and I can’t even look around without welling up again.
I don’t know why I’ve written this post. I want everyone to know how sorry I am and how ashamed I am, and how dirty I feel. There was no feeling whatsoever in the acts, apart from lust. A long distance relationship is hard, but feeling it come to a standstill and most likely an end because of my own actions when this man is such a huge part of my life, feels like I have lost someone again.
More than anything I want him to know how sorry I am, how I would take it back in a heartbeat and that I don’t expect him to forgive me and I don’t want to forget but I do want us to try and come back from this. Its not just about me though, and the next few days I am trying to give him space so he can think it over, and rightly so he hasn’t promised anything.
He isn’t even mad at me any more, he has had time to come to terms with the fact that it has been done, and done twice, and he’s a better man than me for still speaking to me at all. I’ve been cheated on a few years ago and that was only after 3 months. I know how it feels, yet I still couldn’t control myself from sleeping with someone else and talking to other people with the same aim. Every time it came to it I stopped myself except those two times with the same guy, as I was happy in my relationship and can never fully understand why I have done such a heinous act.
The next few days are going to be so hard, and this year so far has already been a series of trials one after another. Never have I wanted a time machine so badly so I could go back and punch myself and rage in my face what the fuck are you doing and why. You might be lonely but think about how badly this is going to screw up one of the best things that has ever happened to you. I want to kick my stupid self.
I can’t move from bed. I’ve never felt so utterly defeated and stupid. I will do absolutely anything for us to be okay again, to the point where I would even wear a tag if that was his demand. This is the biggest mistake I have ever made and I have broken something that whilst not perfect is the best part of my life right now and has seen me through some massive ups and downs in the past year and a bit.
Gods, how could I ever have been so bloody stupid.
ONCE YOU MEET SOMEONE, YOU NEVER REALLY FORGET THEM.
I’ve recently decided to freeze myself to -273℃. My friends think I’ll die, but I’ll be 0K.